Today I fall apart
A business appointment, I sit at my laptop and prepare myself as if for an online meeting. But the only person attending is myself; and my entourage of fears about the future, my children and my impending divorce. Everything I touch falls to dust; every lead to a rented apartment remains unanswered, every job application declined. My samsara pick at my rawness, tell me to be sorry for myself and give up. Humiliated, I weep and find myself sinking to the bottom of this misery. Dark, and numb and naked, swathed in layers of hovering grief as the strict mistress of despair throws me old news onto the cold floor of self pity, and swiftly closes the door.
Then I wrote this,
Stormy weather ahead!
Sometimes marriage doesn’t work out, and you find yourself truly in the shit, sniffling and staring at the computer screen wondering how on earth to pull your life together. So, I thought about asking my network of friends and acquaintances.
I’m looking for a two or three-room apartment to rent in or around Copenhagen. Optionally, a job – something off-beat like housekeeping, tour guiding, book writing, book publishing, driving, art tutoring or teaching (IGCSE, MYP, degree level) cooking, journalism, editing, storytelling, communications, vegetarian cookery, cleaning, photography, decorating, events or a gardening job – with accommodation …even better. I’m talented in many creative things and at creating, fundraising for and sustaining international communities and charities. But have been busy as a full-time mom and person who did things for free, or out of love for years. I never quite grasped the idea you see, that money equals power.
All advice welcome, and you’re so welcome to share this post. I also have a cracker of a CV, but it may look too high flying for my simple wish to find a job to keep the wolf from the door.Heather Gartside on Facebook 20/09/2019
My wish is to rise like a phoenix out of all this, but am having a pretty bad day today – hence this (unusual) reaching out.
And I reached out to an online group that I’m part of called LINK (Ladies International Network København) and the good women stepped forward. Gently picking me off the floor, drying my eyes and serving me sweet tea as they handed me back my scattered photographs of how my life used to be. They made me realise that broken can feel beautiful, and that weakness is just a reflection of strong. And for that I am so very very grateful.